Frustrated

I'm frustrated with myself. I have disappointed my Mater and I hate that. I want to please him and I want this relationship to work. I think we had a great relationship before but this feels so good to me. I love submitting to him. I love giving him complete control over me. It's not that I am too lazy to make my own decisions. I don't know how to explain it. It just feels like who I am meant to be. I get overwhelmed with emotion, I love the way Master looks at me. In almost 9 years I don't think I've seen in his eyes what I see now. I love that. He told me yesterday why he chose to be my Dom and I feel terrible that I never really asked why before, and barely even "if" he wanted to. I feel scared that he will begin to see me as a burden and want to end what we have begun. I fear I may have to find a way to reign in my emotions and don't get to clingy. I can't help it sometimes. I would be happy if I could spend hours kneeling at his side with my head in his lap.

More frustration comes with my schedule. Lord knows I need a schedule, but I am a terrible time manager. I get side tracked with kid stuff, or family stuff, or I just plain don't feel like doing the dishes AGAIN. But the reality is that I DO want to do the dishes, and care for the rest of the house. I like that when it's clean and tidy it not only pleases Master but it feels like home, instead of our messy house. So I feel like I just need a good "kick in the pants" so to speak on this issue. It isn't fair to master to always have to correct me in this area so I really want to find a rythm within me. I'm not a brat sub. I really want and desire to be a good girl, where pleasing Master comes easily. But some of the things that make the schedule frustrating is that I'm the only one that has one. Or so it seems. Since Master is the boss at his job, he has a lot of leniency as to when he goes in, etc. And it isn't that I don't enjoy the time we spend together in the morning, ESPECIALLY this morning. But it is also a source of frustration to me. I set my alarm to go off a little bit early so that I could try to get my workout in first thing in the morning. I really struggle to get it done during the day and I found out yesterday that Master wants it done before he gets home. I'm fine with that, but my effort to make that happen has been squashed. I wouldn't have traded the time I had with Master this morning for anything else, however, still a struggle. Also, I kind of have a drop dead time for me to be in the shower getting ready so that I still have time to look decent and have the kids ready to take my son to school. That time is 8am. If I'm not in the shower by 8am my son is late for school, end of story. But if Master isn't gone, i feel like I can't get in the shower, and get ready because I won't be able to send him out the door properly. I need to do that more than anything. If he must leave then I must get a proper goodbye in. Ugh! This is definitely going to be the hardest part of this newly found life. The schedule.

I only hope that Master can have the patience with me that will be necessary for me to learn the ways he desires. I desperately don't want him to give up on me or this life. I need it now. Now that it's here, I would be lost without it I think.

On to some more of that schedule. Ugh!

I felt like a porn star!

So last night was amazing! I have always been one to enjoy a good anal fucking, but there is still usually a bit of pain and I can only go for so long before I hit a wall and I have to quit. I don't know what happened last night, I was horny just like normal, i was ready and excited for a good anal probing like always. Master used plenty of lube, just like normal. Only two things have changed that I can pin down.

1. I have surrendered all control to my master, I have been collared.
2. I got some spankings last night. I discovered that I really like to be spanked. Bent over master legs with my ass in the air, waiting to be abused. Especially since he does a nice probe job on my pussy every few spanks.

Now I don't know for sure if either one of those things were the reason but I have never in my life been fucked in the ass so well. It didn't hurt and it felt so amazing. I never wanted him to stop. Even when he could go no longer I wanted it to go on and on. If there was a way to make it like that every time I would probably have to insist he fuck me in the ass twice a day. It was seriously that good. I can't remember if I have mentioned as of yet that I am a squirter, but I seriously made a puddle with zero contact with my clit or g-spot whatsoever.

This same event my master was finally able to fully fist me. It was the most full and painfully wonderful experience ever. I wasn't sure how I felt about him fisting me at first but I know he enjoyed trying and I didn't mind letting him. Wow. That's all I can say.

Such a wonderful night. I felt like a porn star!

Today I woke up and I got to go looking for a "public" collar. Something that I can wear in public without drawing too much attention. It's not that I care if strangers see and know. But I think my loved ones would be confused. They wouldn't understand and they would get weird, and try to save me or something. Little do they know, I am saved. I have my master and I will serve him with my whole heart. I am so happy to belong to him. I found a collar I like. It's a chain with a heart in the middle and a handcuff on each side of the heart. It's PERFECT!

I didn't get my bathroom cleaned so I'm expecting to be spanked again.

My Collar

White leather, pink stitching, snap closures, hot pink jewels, and baby pink fur inside

I knew I would like it. It's symbolism really has a deep meaning for me. It's the ultimate token of my surrender to my Master. My assurance that he will love me and take care of my as his most prized possession. His. I am his. I wish that it were more socially accepted to have this kind of relationship and consequently not a huge deal to wear such a treasure in public. But I find myself missing it when I go out of the house. Master has said that we will purchase a choker style necklace that I can wear without too much scrutiny in the public eye. This makes me so happy. I feel special and sexy in my collar, especially when my Master uses it to control my movements, and when he plays with it while he kisses me so very passionately. The depths of my love are endless... Keep me forever.

Spanked!

Well I think I need to start this post by telling you about my VERY first spanking experience. It was in my first marriage, and I was 20. My husband was 22 and he had come home from the bar really drunk. We had never dabbled with any type of kink, let alone spanking. I wasn't really excited about him going out to bars and getting drunk with a bunch of other women and then coming home and wanting very animalistic sex. He would basically force me. Now at this stage in my life I would welcome that but please understand I have come so far in my personal discovery since then. So here I am, unhappy that he was out drinking with some gal pals, and even less happy about the fact that I knew he was going to want it and not just regular sex but turn me over, pin me down and force it, even anally. We are in the middle of it and I'm basically just waiting for it to be over so I can go back to sleep and out of no where he smacks my ass so hard and so fast and so many times, I actually had welts. I was in tears, and I was scared. I had never seen him like that and we had never discussed anything like that. The only good thing was that it made him cum very quickly. When it was over I went out and laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep. The next day we had major argument and he swore he'd never do it again. The relationship didn't last another 9 months and he was able to keep that promise through that 9 months. So you see, my first experience was dreadful.

I have been with my DH for 9 years now, and in the last 2 years we have made small changes in the way we play and I have discovered that there are some things that I really enjoy that I would have never in a million years (based on my spanking experience) thought that I would like. 1. I love love love to be choked. 2. I love to have my hair gently, but firmly pulled. 3. I love to be scratched slowly, with firm pressure. 4. I am really into bondage. Tie me up, then tie me down... please! So I have decided to try to block out my first spanking experience and open the door to that possibility.

Yesterday, I ignored my alarm clock and I didn't finish all my chores, and then I corrected my Master when he gave me instruction. What a bad kitty am I. I have so much to learn. This has obviously earned me some discipline. So last night I received my first disciplinary spanking. My master took it easy on me and I got 3 (one for each offense I believe) semi-hard smacks on my naked ass. I learned this: I didn't hate it, I could have endured more spanks and harder spanks, and although I don't see it being a primary part of my eroticism, I can definitely see that it will have it's place.

Side note: New decisions- 1. I will call my DH, Master. I'm liking this more and more as I say it. 2. I have been collared as it pertains to us. We just received them in the mail yesterday and we had a very intimate experience where we acknowledged the significance of the collars. A symbol of my gift of surrender to him, as well as a symbol of his ownership, and promise to take care of me. It was very emotional for me. With tears in my eyes I look at my Master with all the love inside me. I am such a happy and blessed woman.

I Feel Calm

I do, I feel calm inside. More calm that I have felt in the last 2 months. The only thing that has changed has been my decision to fully surrender to my wonderful husband. To please him and care for all his needs. I love the way it feels in my heart to look up into his eyes knowing that I get to belong to him and he'll take care of me forever.

We don't have it all figured out yet, but I can tell you this. It's not that I didn't care about cleaning my house before, but it was definitely a little farther down on my priority list which meant that it didn't always get done. Yesterday, I worked with more diligence and I've been able to get more done. I work with a different heart. I want to do it because I know it pleases him. (and I feel better too when my home is clean and free of chaos and clutter)

At the end of the day I went out with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while and while I had a great time I found myself just itching to get home and be with him and serve him in any way he needed. He took such amazing care of me and I am only praying that I pleased him as much as he pleased me. I think he particularly loves the fact that once I am aroused all he has to do is wrap his strong sexy hand around my throat and jiggle my clit and I just squirt away. I can't describe the way my arousal goes through the roof when he momentarily deprives me of air. I never used to understand those people that die from auto erotic asphyxiation. But oh man, I understand it now. Every time I am deprived of air, either from his glorious cock or his wonderful hands I find myself wanting to be pushed to the limits. This must be the "danger sex" that I have read about. I get it now. I fell asleep before finishing my post here, so I have just a few new comments for this morning.

I got my first little jolt of terror and pleasure all at once this morning when my DH left without pressing his beautiful lips to mine. All I got was this text. "Today begins your training, the first lesson is your alarm, and I will deal with that tonight. Next is for you to clean ALL upstairs rooms before I get home, send me some pics as you finish them." I was crushed... our kisses before we leave one another and as soon as we return is probably my favorite little ritual of ours. But, I can promise you, I will not ignore my alarm again. Headache or not! And it feels like a huge pressure has been lifted from my shoulders that him, my love, my husband will be keeping me accountable. Who knew that all this time, that is what I needed from him. He has always given me such latitude in the past which I appreciated at the time. But I was always apologizing for not doing this or that, or taking care of this or that. I was always too busy with the kids and now I realize how important it is to me to take care of him first. I will of take care of my children of course, but we don't always have to be having a play date every day of the week. Yesterday I had a HUGE revelation when it comes to the kids. Our kids like most kids have a difficult time listening at times, to either of us. It is a great opportunity for me to teach the children to respect and listen to their father through my own actions.

A personal thing that I am working on is to alter my spirit. I want to be a mild mannered woman with a quiet spirit, rather than a shrieking shrew. Sometimes, I really feel like a shrieking shrew. Someone I know is very good at this... I will ask her how she does it. I am meeting up with her today, so I'll let you know what it is I find out. I just hope she has some insight for me.

I will post again at the end of the day and tell you of my first punishment!

Letting go

I let my DH read my blog post which of course opened up the conversation that needed to happen. We talked about my views on the subject of submission. What I wanted to get out of it, and what his perceptions were. He was concerned about weather I felt like I had to do it or weather this was a voluntary decision. It is most definitely voluntary. He has told me that he doesn't want to see me as a slave, and I do not see myself as a slave either. I like feeling more like his most prized possession. I found a book online that I really want to buy. It's called "The Surrendered Wife : A Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with Your Man".

We are all sick right now so with DH staying home today we delved in to doing research and spending the entire day in bed together. Me slowly learning to be patient and go at his pace. I am usually the one that gets impatient and wants his cock buried so deep inside me. He always complains about that. This is one thing that is clearly defined that I can work on. I am relinquishing all control in the sexual process. I'll do whatever he wants at whatever pace he wants. It was so amazing. He made me cum so much that we had to change the sheets and flip the mattress. He spent so much time looking into my eyes with a new look in his eye. It was amazing. I could literally feel his love for me penetrating my soul. He wrapped his loving hands around my throat so strong and firm. It made my love hole dribble with passion. It got to the point where I would tremble in anticipation at the mere caress of my throat with his hand. He makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive.

Somewhere in the middle of the day our kids (thanks to this cold) were both actually sleeping and we were able to take a little nap ourselves. All too soon our littlest woke up and I got up with her. While I was comforting her I started to think about the other things I can do to expand on my desire to be a submissive wife. First thing I did is clean up the kitchen and the dining room and start to make dinner. After all, my DH works hard to take care of us, he deserves my hard work to take care of him. And on this note I have decided that since this is true, he also deserves the best version of myself that I can. I will in time be able to be dressed in something he likes to see me in and I will have make up on and hair done.

I've lost track of the order in which I came across these ideas, but at the end of the day these are things I have decided need my attention. These are areas that I need to give control to my DH, my caretaker. First, the finances. I will alert him to our household needs, my needs, the children's needs, and suggestions for purchases. However, the final decision will be his to make. Next, I need to be more careful that I collaborate with my DH about the children and how they should be disciplined. Fortunately, I don't believe we are too far off on this one but I did notice a couple things today. Also, I need to keep a cleaner and more organized home. It is not fair for my hard working DH to come home to a cluster of messes all over the house. It may take me a while to figure out how to get it all done, and then keep it up. I will work hard on this. Finally, I need to discover what kinds of things can I do for him to release the stress and pressure of his job at the end of the day. I don't know if that means that he needs a foot rub, or a beer, or a bj, or a bath. But I realized today that aside from knowing that he likes to come home and get on his computer... I've never really tried to find out what else he might enjoy. So much to learn... so much fun on the journey!

Introduction

I have no idea where this is going but I feel like I need to send my thoughts into the void that is the internet. I am a 31 year old woman with a wonderful husband and 2 fantastic children. We are living the standard suburban domestic life. DH (Dear Husband) works and takes care of us. I stay home and take care of our children, home and my man. I really do love my life. We have financial issues but we are making our way through them like so many people I know. We are very good about not letting the money issues be an argument between us. I love my DH now more than ever and I trust him with every cell in my body.

It seems like so many months ago DH set out to convince me to explore some "extra marital" scenarios. My initial reaction was a fairly strong NO! But as he pleaded with me, convincing me of his delight with the idea, my stance began to wane. We took it slow... starting with stories about married couples who enjoy the life of being or having a "slut wife". The first step we took was a bj given by me to one of DH's best friends after a night of drunken debauchery. He was there, encouraging me the whole time. It took place in our basement and after it was over we went upstairs to our bedroom and had the most amazing sex ever. It was the first time that I thought he might be serious about me actually having sex with someone other than him. His reaction and enjoyment lit a flame inside of me. I loved my DH to be so turned on and insatiable for me. Some time later we had the first actual sexual deviation in our relationship. It was the same friend as the bj however this time the DH was upstairs just waiting for my return. I was nervous, and unsure if I should follow through however because it was what he wanted (and of course i was intrigued) I proceeded. The sex was marginal but it didn't matter. It wasn't the point. It was kind of the prelude to what waited for me upstairs. When I got there I was NOT disappointed. DH was wild and crazy and again we had the most amazing sex ever! Over several months I proceeded to have casual sex with random men here and there. Not often but often enough. This has at least for the time being come to an end. I'm not sure how I feel about it- sad because I'm not sure if I'll ever see the same passion in my DH's eyes as I did on the nights I came home drenched in cum. And I will also miss the feeling of complete sexual abandonment. But also relieved because I am constantly feeling like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Jealousy or something to cause a problem in my marriage.

Reason for stopping: I had recently gotten back in touch with an old friend from about 10 years ago. He and I had gotten together for coffee and I had definitely felt the old desires to have sex with him as I had in the past. He had had a girlfriend and we never got sexually involved back then. Just a lot of flirting. I asked DH about adding him to the "list" and he said no with several good reasons. But said that we could be friends. I would be totally fine with this. I think maybe I was hoping that if we remained friends DH would change his mind and I would get to try him out so to speak. One day the friend texted me "good morning". I didn't have his number in my phone and I didn't recognize it right away. Well DH was the one that saw the message first and he didn't believe me that I didn't recognize the number. He left the house upset (which I didn't realize at first) and an argument ensued via text and yahoo. Once I realized he was upset I panicked. I don't even know why. He asked me why he was texting me at 7:45 am. I told him that I didn't know because I hadn't responded. What I meant was that I hadn't had a conversation with him but again I panicked. I actually had responded but the response was only to tell him not to text me anymore. He replied with "ok". Well DH is very smart and looked up our phone records. He could see very well that I had replied... but I didn't know it. He asked me again if I responded to his text. Panicked, I stuck to my original comment and said no. Thus he had caught me in a lie. To make matters worse my phone kept locking up on me which happens when I have too many messages in it. I deleted the messages. This made my really innocent situation look horrible. Thus, all extra activities have come to an end. Initially thought of as a punishment my DH decided to create a "contract" so to speak. For three months he had written up a daily schedule and it includes time for me to do the things I need to do and time to socialize, etc. Lots of talk about it before he gave it to me had me wondering what to expect, and only slightly concerned that he is going to be somewhat vindictive and hanging on to this dumb lie. But then he delivered the schedule, and it was more than I could have ever wanted. He said that he loves me more than anything and doesn't want to punish me because there is no pleasure in that. This gives me an idea...

I actually believe this may have opened up another door to me. I have always been somewhat submissive in the bedroom. It turns me on to follow his orders. To carry out the things he wants to take place. Over the years this has gotten stronger and stronger. I have discovered that I like to be strangled during intercourse and I like to have my hair pulled (although I do NOT like to be hit or spanked). I like to be tied up and blindfolded and I really really like to be choked by his member during fellatio. I feel so calm and strong when I can fully submit to his desires. I think I'd like to take this opportunity to take it to the next level. I feel chaotic and stressed outside the bedroom and maybe if I can take step up my submissive lifestyle a little it will eliminate some of my stress and chaos. I have looked around and found some good information. I know this process will take work and dedication and accountability. I hope I am ready for that. This blog will serve as my accountability. Total submission also requires my transparency. This may be the hardest part of the process for me. Not because I have any secrets but because I fumble with my words and I fumble with the dumb things I do. Because transparency is required you may read on here some things of little to no interest but bare with me. Also, please don't think that I am any kind of expert. In point of fact I am exactly opposite. I am just learning. All I know is that my heart aches for the calmness, strength, and excitement I get from being submissive. I long to learn more. I'm not even sure how to get DH on board really. My act of submission is not intended to change the external vision of my life. In other words it may not be easy for anyone else to see what is going on besides my DH and I. It's not for him to tell me that I can't go see my friends, or I can't do whatever. The intention is to be in harmony with my DH. To draw passion from him and to lay my trust in him, and his in me. In my mind for this to work, he would need to be open minded and willing to listen to my concerns with an open heart and mind. I know my DH can do that. It is also not intended for me to turn into a pile of mush with no thoughts or personality of my own. I believe submission can be practiced without destroying who I am, instead rather I expect it to enhance who I am. And so I am formally welcoming you to leave your comments, and suggestions and I reserve the right to delete comments if I find them offensive.

I know this is a long first post. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I doubt that future posts will be so long... although I don't plan to limit myself.