Introduction

I have no idea where this is going but I feel like I need to send my thoughts into the void that is the internet. I am a 31 year old woman with a wonderful husband and 2 fantastic children. We are living the standard suburban domestic life. DH (Dear Husband) works and takes care of us. I stay home and take care of our children, home and my man. I really do love my life. We have financial issues but we are making our way through them like so many people I know. We are very good about not letting the money issues be an argument between us. I love my DH now more than ever and I trust him with every cell in my body.

It seems like so many months ago DH set out to convince me to explore some "extra marital" scenarios. My initial reaction was a fairly strong NO! But as he pleaded with me, convincing me of his delight with the idea, my stance began to wane. We took it slow... starting with stories about married couples who enjoy the life of being or having a "slut wife". The first step we took was a bj given by me to one of DH's best friends after a night of drunken debauchery. He was there, encouraging me the whole time. It took place in our basement and after it was over we went upstairs to our bedroom and had the most amazing sex ever. It was the first time that I thought he might be serious about me actually having sex with someone other than him. His reaction and enjoyment lit a flame inside of me. I loved my DH to be so turned on and insatiable for me. Some time later we had the first actual sexual deviation in our relationship. It was the same friend as the bj however this time the DH was upstairs just waiting for my return. I was nervous, and unsure if I should follow through however because it was what he wanted (and of course i was intrigued) I proceeded. The sex was marginal but it didn't matter. It wasn't the point. It was kind of the prelude to what waited for me upstairs. When I got there I was NOT disappointed. DH was wild and crazy and again we had the most amazing sex ever! Over several months I proceeded to have casual sex with random men here and there. Not often but often enough. This has at least for the time being come to an end. I'm not sure how I feel about it- sad because I'm not sure if I'll ever see the same passion in my DH's eyes as I did on the nights I came home drenched in cum. And I will also miss the feeling of complete sexual abandonment. But also relieved because I am constantly feeling like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Jealousy or something to cause a problem in my marriage.

Reason for stopping: I had recently gotten back in touch with an old friend from about 10 years ago. He and I had gotten together for coffee and I had definitely felt the old desires to have sex with him as I had in the past. He had had a girlfriend and we never got sexually involved back then. Just a lot of flirting. I asked DH about adding him to the "list" and he said no with several good reasons. But said that we could be friends. I would be totally fine with this. I think maybe I was hoping that if we remained friends DH would change his mind and I would get to try him out so to speak. One day the friend texted me "good morning". I didn't have his number in my phone and I didn't recognize it right away. Well DH was the one that saw the message first and he didn't believe me that I didn't recognize the number. He left the house upset (which I didn't realize at first) and an argument ensued via text and yahoo. Once I realized he was upset I panicked. I don't even know why. He asked me why he was texting me at 7:45 am. I told him that I didn't know because I hadn't responded. What I meant was that I hadn't had a conversation with him but again I panicked. I actually had responded but the response was only to tell him not to text me anymore. He replied with "ok". Well DH is very smart and looked up our phone records. He could see very well that I had replied... but I didn't know it. He asked me again if I responded to his text. Panicked, I stuck to my original comment and said no. Thus he had caught me in a lie. To make matters worse my phone kept locking up on me which happens when I have too many messages in it. I deleted the messages. This made my really innocent situation look horrible. Thus, all extra activities have come to an end. Initially thought of as a punishment my DH decided to create a "contract" so to speak. For three months he had written up a daily schedule and it includes time for me to do the things I need to do and time to socialize, etc. Lots of talk about it before he gave it to me had me wondering what to expect, and only slightly concerned that he is going to be somewhat vindictive and hanging on to this dumb lie. But then he delivered the schedule, and it was more than I could have ever wanted. He said that he loves me more than anything and doesn't want to punish me because there is no pleasure in that. This gives me an idea...

I actually believe this may have opened up another door to me. I have always been somewhat submissive in the bedroom. It turns me on to follow his orders. To carry out the things he wants to take place. Over the years this has gotten stronger and stronger. I have discovered that I like to be strangled during intercourse and I like to have my hair pulled (although I do NOT like to be hit or spanked). I like to be tied up and blindfolded and I really really like to be choked by his member during fellatio. I feel so calm and strong when I can fully submit to his desires. I think I'd like to take this opportunity to take it to the next level. I feel chaotic and stressed outside the bedroom and maybe if I can take step up my submissive lifestyle a little it will eliminate some of my stress and chaos. I have looked around and found some good information. I know this process will take work and dedication and accountability. I hope I am ready for that. This blog will serve as my accountability. Total submission also requires my transparency. This may be the hardest part of the process for me. Not because I have any secrets but because I fumble with my words and I fumble with the dumb things I do. Because transparency is required you may read on here some things of little to no interest but bare with me. Also, please don't think that I am any kind of expert. In point of fact I am exactly opposite. I am just learning. All I know is that my heart aches for the calmness, strength, and excitement I get from being submissive. I long to learn more. I'm not even sure how to get DH on board really. My act of submission is not intended to change the external vision of my life. In other words it may not be easy for anyone else to see what is going on besides my DH and I. It's not for him to tell me that I can't go see my friends, or I can't do whatever. The intention is to be in harmony with my DH. To draw passion from him and to lay my trust in him, and his in me. In my mind for this to work, he would need to be open minded and willing to listen to my concerns with an open heart and mind. I know my DH can do that. It is also not intended for me to turn into a pile of mush with no thoughts or personality of my own. I believe submission can be practiced without destroying who I am, instead rather I expect it to enhance who I am. And so I am formally welcoming you to leave your comments, and suggestions and I reserve the right to delete comments if I find them offensive.

I know this is a long first post. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I doubt that future posts will be so long... although I don't plan to limit myself.