Frustrated

I'm frustrated with myself. I have disappointed my Mater and I hate that. I want to please him and I want this relationship to work. I think we had a great relationship before but this feels so good to me. I love submitting to him. I love giving him complete control over me. It's not that I am too lazy to make my own decisions. I don't know how to explain it. It just feels like who I am meant to be. I get overwhelmed with emotion, I love the way Master looks at me. In almost 9 years I don't think I've seen in his eyes what I see now. I love that. He told me yesterday why he chose to be my Dom and I feel terrible that I never really asked why before, and barely even "if" he wanted to. I feel scared that he will begin to see me as a burden and want to end what we have begun. I fear I may have to find a way to reign in my emotions and don't get to clingy. I can't help it sometimes. I would be happy if I could spend hours kneeling at his side with my head in his lap.

More frustration comes with my schedule. Lord knows I need a schedule, but I am a terrible time manager. I get side tracked with kid stuff, or family stuff, or I just plain don't feel like doing the dishes AGAIN. But the reality is that I DO want to do the dishes, and care for the rest of the house. I like that when it's clean and tidy it not only pleases Master but it feels like home, instead of our messy house. So I feel like I just need a good "kick in the pants" so to speak on this issue. It isn't fair to master to always have to correct me in this area so I really want to find a rythm within me. I'm not a brat sub. I really want and desire to be a good girl, where pleasing Master comes easily. But some of the things that make the schedule frustrating is that I'm the only one that has one. Or so it seems. Since Master is the boss at his job, he has a lot of leniency as to when he goes in, etc. And it isn't that I don't enjoy the time we spend together in the morning, ESPECIALLY this morning. But it is also a source of frustration to me. I set my alarm to go off a little bit early so that I could try to get my workout in first thing in the morning. I really struggle to get it done during the day and I found out yesterday that Master wants it done before he gets home. I'm fine with that, but my effort to make that happen has been squashed. I wouldn't have traded the time I had with Master this morning for anything else, however, still a struggle. Also, I kind of have a drop dead time for me to be in the shower getting ready so that I still have time to look decent and have the kids ready to take my son to school. That time is 8am. If I'm not in the shower by 8am my son is late for school, end of story. But if Master isn't gone, i feel like I can't get in the shower, and get ready because I won't be able to send him out the door properly. I need to do that more than anything. If he must leave then I must get a proper goodbye in. Ugh! This is definitely going to be the hardest part of this newly found life. The schedule.

I only hope that Master can have the patience with me that will be necessary for me to learn the ways he desires. I desperately don't want him to give up on me or this life. I need it now. Now that it's here, I would be lost without it I think.

On to some more of that schedule. Ugh!